2011 Resolution: Stop Hating Your Body

The Tumblr "Stop Hating Your Body" issued a challenge that for New Year's, we post images of ourselves and talk about our journies to self-love and our resolutions to keep that going. I know my followers have seen pictures of me many times before, but now here's a story to go with it:

This is me, happy, drunk, and dancing at my friend's wedding a little over a year ago.

It was very recent that I began loving my body. When I was little, I was very skinny, then puberty hit and I gained all of that "puppy fat" that never seemed to go away. Middle school was harsh--I spent a whole year being bullied about everything from what I said to what I wore to how "fat" I was. I took this with me to high school, even after I grew about 3 inches and lost close to 20 pounds. Right now, I'm 5'8" and I weigh between 145-150 pounds.

In addition to the teasing at school, the constant pressure from the media and the vulnerability to it that I had as an adolescent caused me to hate my body, and the bullying also caused me to dislike myself. I battled with depression and very low self-esteem. I've always had plenty of friends, but never really thought about why those people chose to be and remain my friends. Up until my sophomore year in college, I was afraid to go out and meet new people because I assumed they'd hate my quirky personality and interpret it as too "weird."

My sophomore year of college was also a time when I was involved in an emotionally abusive relationship. Everything I said was stupid, everything I did, I did wrong. He controlled what I did, always had to know where I was and who I was with, and would get angry at me if I wasn't with him 90% of the time. He also controlled my body, telling me that he wasn't okay with other people seeing it, and what went in my body: he was straight edge and self-righteous, so therefore I wasn't allowed to drink because his opinion always dominated my own. By the third month of our relationship, he also had me convinced that no one else would ever want me and so I was stuck with him. His parting words to me, ones that I will never forget were, verbatim, "You're making a mistake because nobody cares about you as much as I do."

I dumped that loser and got involved with a few other guys who told me that they were shocked that I didn't know how gorgeous I was. I had both boys and girls telling me that I was hot, that I was sexy, and I finally got my confidence back. I realized later that summer that the most important thing I needed to do was discover my own worth: to realize the great things about myself and not let that go. That way, no one else could ever treat me any less that what I was worth--and that's a hell of a lot. Through the pinup sphere I've learned that my curves are beautiful and through the general alternative subculture sphere I've also learned the value of uniqueness: that we're all different, and we're all beautiful in our own ways, each quirk and imperfection included.

Me this past summer in my favorite dress!

Most importantly, through being involved with feminism, I realized that my actions have a powerful impact on others, and that if I could find the strength to love myself (for myself) just the way I was, I could inspire other women and girls (and well...people in general) to do the same. I see so many of my followers posting pictures of themselves and I've yet to see an ugly face. It's my challenge to you this year to discover your own worth and love what you are. Don't let some no-name CEO decide that you're not good enough and need to buy his product and line his pockets or adhere to some impossible standard. This year, I'm going to treat my body like the temple that it is: eat well, be active, meditate, practice some more positive thinking toward myself and others. I may not see my body's shape change, but I will be healthier and happier. My hope is that you will all do the same.

Loving my body is a revolution. Being proud of it and unafraid to express my sexuality and body confidence is a big FUCK YOU to the men on the hill, all of my bullies and nay-sayers, and especially that rotten guy I dated. It's not always rainbows and sunshine: I've got my self-loathing days just like anyone else, but they no longer last months or years. Be unafraid. Be brave. Join the revolution!

And if you ever need to look back and remember why you should fight the good fight and be proud of what you've got, I'm still very proud of this article!

Happy 2011!

How to Recognize a Slut: The Complete Idiot's Guide to Slut Shaming

Look at the girl in the picture above. She is such a slut. I've never met her or spoken with her, I don't even know her name, but I can tell you that she is a slut. I mean...just look at what she's wearing. And taking a picture of herself with that on? Please, she just wants attention.

Alright, alright, so I don't mean any of that. This girl is just the lucky one who gets to be a representation of "slut" or "whore" for the purposes of this blog post (and by the way, I am making no implications about this girl that I don't even know). That being said, how many people do you think have called her such things and meant it? How many times has someone called you a slut or a whore, how many times have you used words like that in reference to others? To yourself?

Jessica Valenti, feminist author of The Purity Myth and He's a Stud, She's a Slut: The Sexual Double Standard, defines sluts as, "women engaged in any activity besides knitting, praying, or sitting perfectly still lest any sudden movements be deemed whorish."

What is slut shaming? It's a concept that judges a woman's sexuality even when one doesn't know a thing about her. She may be asexual for all you know, but based on the way she looks/behaves, she's a slut and she should feel bad for that.

Got it? Good. Now I will present to you a never-fail guide on how to recognize a slut:

1.) She's scantily clad. Sluts almost always parade around in short skirts or shorts and tight clothing. The only reason they ever have for doing this is so that they can gain male approval. Her reason for dressing like this is never, ever, because she feels comfortable with her body, because it makes her feel sexy for herself, or because she likes the style of clothing.

2.) She's had __ sexual partners. Everybody knows that if a woman has had sex with more than __ people, she's a slut. She has sex for approval and attention, not simply because she enjoys it. Because all women are emotionally overloaded creatures, no woman can have sex and not feel attached, so obviously if a woman has multiple sexual partners for whom she feels no emotional bond, there is something wrong with her.

• One must note that it's entirely possible for a woman to be a slut so long as she is not a virgin, regardless of how her virginity was lost or how many sexual partners she's had since then.

3.) She likes boys and girls. Because there is no such thing as bisexuality or pansexuality. She doesn't fall in love with members of the same sex, she's just physically intimate with them because men (all men) find this "hot."

4.) She's going to steal your boyfriend. I don't care how committed to her current partner or nice or fun to hang out with she is. She's gorgeous and confident and isn't afraid to have conversations with new people like your hubby, so obviously her only intent is to steal him. Watch out.

5.) She has stolen someone's boyfriend. This has nothing to do with the guy who was in a relationship and decided to be unfaithful to his partner. Everyone knows that men lack intelligence and control, so when a sultry vixen comes around, his instinct is to tell her he's single. He couldn't help it, it was her fault.

6.) She sleeps with someone upon just meeting them. Since I, personally cannot have sex without forming an emotional bond and since everyone's sexual experience is uniform, girls who have one night stands with people they've just met are sluts.

7.) She likes to have fun. You know her--she's that one girl that gets too drunk at a party and everyone just ends up feeling embarrassed for her. Forget that guy getting tanked in the other room, he's just letting off some steam. Oh, also forget the fact that alcohol has different effects on male and female bodies and that she might not be aware of this. I mean, she's a whore after all.


I want you to think about the above. Commit it to memory. Done? Okay, now erase it. If you've ever been guilty of calling a woman a slut or whore, apply the correct amount of guilt to your conscience right now and then vow to never do it again.

Girls who get dressed up and grind with guys at the club? You guessed it. Sluts!

Slut shaming is a problem first and foremost because it is society's way of keeping a woman's sexuality in check. It defines her sexual script. It tells her what to wear, who to date, how to have sex, when to have sex, with whom to have sex, how to behave, and how to express her sexuality or body confidence. It assumes the "norm," which varies person to person, and then implies that whatever falls outside of your (or my) personal norm is wrong. If you enjoy sex and wish to have safe, consensual sex with multiple partners, a society in which this derogatory behavior is rampant is going to use guilt and shame to keep you from doing so, solely because your behavior is offensive to a small group of (very judgmental) people.

The most dangerous part about slut shaming is that it turns into victim blaming. Recently, I heard a story about a girl who was raped after consuming too much alcohol at a party. After the horrific event, she confronted her friend, who was supposed to stick by her for the night, and her friend responded by saying, "Well it's not my fault you're a whore." If a girl is a slut, if she's only sexuality active or expressive for attention, then when she's raped, it's her own damn fault. That is victim blaming. That's what slut shaming assumes.

So now that you know the problem, let's talk about the solution. First, let's be honest with ourselves: everyone has a different experience. Are we really in a position to judge someone who does things differently than we do, especially if they're doing it in a safe, consensual way? The media, as well as many other institutions, would like us to believe that behaving in one way is acceptable and so therefore behaving in the complete opposite way is unacceptable, but this is simply rubbish and you're smarter than that. Until we have walked a mile in someone's shoes and know exactly where they are coming from (and by the way, we never will), we are in no place to judge them or their choices. I understand this is hard, I can be a judgmental person at times, but the great part about the solution is training ourselves to see things in a new way. Before you write someone off, learn them. Know them. And if you find they're still making crappy choices that hurt others or themselves, chalk it up to their being a rotten person or incredibly misguided. And if they are hurting themselves, wouldn't it be more beneficial to express your concern instead of pointing a finger? Change your language and your dialogue: stop using the word "slut" or "whore," even if you think you're doing it in a playful way toward one of your friends. Remember that what another person decides to do with their body is ultimately their choice and when we discuss those choices in a way that looks down upon them, we are also inviting people to judge the choices we make in our own lives.

Moore and Me

Recently, Julian Assange, the founder and leader of WikiLeaks (which just recently released a surplus of documents that embarrassed the United States and could have potentially damaged their relationships with foreign nations) was arrested and placed in jail on sexual assualt charges. Allegedly, he molested two young women while they were unconscious, raping one.

As I do most things, I've formed a good opinion on this. I support the efforts of WikiLeaks to expose the lies that the United States government has been telling us, and clearly, if they didn't want these embarrassing comments to be leaked...well, perhaps they should have chosen their words more wisely. I also understand that because governments are willing to lie and cheat to get their way, they could be brining Assange up on false charges simply to find a reason to throw him in jail.

However, it is never ever, ever okay to assume that a person who is claiming that they have been raped is lying. Never will I ever be okay with any dialogue that includes the statement "but sometimes women lie to get their way/revenge/attention." Can I prove this has never happened? No. But you can bet your ass it doesn't happen very often. Even when it does, we cannot let a small percentage of the population lull us into believing that every sexual assault charge "might be a lie." (Please look at RAINN.org for more information and statistics about sexual assault and keep in mind that the statistics gathered are from reported sexual assaults).

Rape victims are usually too afraid to tell anyone, even those closest to them, what they have experienced. Why is this? Because we live in a "rape culture," one that encourages and trivializes sexual assault. Rape jokes, victim blaming, rape apology, and the system's tendency to side with the rapist are some of many reasons why rape victims never report or have a hard time reporting the crime.

Now who's trivializing sexual assault? Micheal Moore. Yes, Mr. Moore has posted bail ($20,000) for Mr. Assange, with this statement: "For those of you who think it’s wrong to support Julian Assange because of the sexual assault allegations he’s being held for, all I ask is that you not be naive about how the government works when it decides to go after its prey. Please — never, ever believe the 'official story.' And regardless of Assange’s guilt or innocence, this man has the right to have bail posted and to defend himself."

As Sady Doyle from Tiger Beatdown says,

"In other words: Never, ever believe the women who are accusing Assange of rape. Never, ever believe the allegations that he forcibly held a woman down and raped her, never, ever believe that he raped a woman while she was unconscious. 'Regardless of his guilt or innocence' — and it’s clear that Moore has chosen to believe in his 'innocence,' despite the fact that Assange’s working to avoid being tried for the crime — help him."

We're not naive, Mr. Moore. Do you really think that those of us who have supported your efforts through the years are that stupid? Because I feel as though my intelligence is being insulted. We, the people who daily are put down by the institutions of our nation, including the government, which place subtle messages of racism, sexism, classism, ableism, and heterosexism (among other things) into our mainstream society only to deny their existence. We, the women, the people of color, the poor and powerless, the LGBT community, the disabled, "too young," Muslim, religionless...we are going to deny that the government sometimes does things to fuck people over? Are you kidding me, Mr. Moore?

Reader, you and I have every right to support the efforts of WikiLeaks and not back its supporter, Mr. Assange. He is innocent until proven guilty, but I refuse to trvialize the claims of his victims because it is convenient to another cause. I am absolutely disgusted.

In light of all of this, I am happy to see the comments on his blog post explaining why he posted the bail:

"Michael Moore, you and a lot of people just can't get it into your heads that the guy could be a sexual offender ALSO. Julian could take the first plane to Sweden and answer some questions if he wanted to get it over with. Instead he's putting on this act about fearing being extradited to the U.S. as if it wouldn't be easier for the americans to get their hands on him when he is residing in the allied U.K."

"Look- I am all for the site Wikileaks, but evading the very possible REAL CRIME committed is atrocious....I've had it with this boys club, and I expected more of MM...I am disgusted. I firmly believe that every rape accusation must be investigated, regardless of the accused rapist’s connections, inventions, power, influence, status, fame, or politics, or ability to creat a PR storm. I believe that rape is a crucial and central issue which affects us all (1 out of 4 women by age 25- and if you think I'm fluffing that, go interview women o a college campus), and I am goddamn sick of hearing that no one should 'never, ever believe' women. I am the left, I am the voting public. And I am pissed."

And the storm of tweets created by Tiger Beatdown's article about the issue of rape apology:


And so I will leave you with a quote from Tiger Beatdown, because it is worded much more perfectly and beautifully than I could ever dream of doing:

"Please tweet @MMFlint, using the hashtag #Mooreandme, until we have an explanation from Michael Moore, and preferably an apology, and preferably $20,000, donated to an anti-sexual-assault organization of his choice.

You told us the little guy had to stand up, Mr. Moore. You told us the authority had to be held accountable for harming communities. You told us that the Big Lies were worth exposing. But you’re promoting the Big Lie, you’re harming our community, and this time around, the little guy is us.

We can be loud. We can be persistent. I hope you’re prepared."

Tweet about it, blog about it, post it on Facebook and Tumblr. Contact Micheal Moore and tell him that this is unacceptable. Boycott his movies, his messages, him...until he admits to the gravity of what he's done and does something to appropriately rectify it.

Dolly's Tips for a Happy Winter

Christmas in New England. It totally looks like this. Everywhere...

I live in New England, the place depicted on many Christmas and "Season's Greetings" cards and paintings. True, the beautiful Victorian and Colonial style houses, decorated like times of old and covered in snow, are picturesque and beautiful. Walking around an old New England village near Christmastime can be truly idyllic.

I hate winter, even in such a lovely place. It's cold, it's wet, the roads are dangerous, and the sun never shines. People get crabby and everyone's stuck inside all the time. I'm totally a summertime, sunshine-loving person. This time of year, I always wish I had a nice warm place to escape to for the coming four months.

So what can you do to spice up your winter and bang out the doldrums?

• Keep the winter blues away by taking a daily dose of vitamin D. Of course, you should always check with your doctor before adding a daily supplement to your diet, but vitamin D is a great thing to add when we have a lack of sunlight. The sun's rays provide us with a great source of vitamin D during the long summer days, but in the winter, days are shorter and cloudier. This means less vitamin D and therefore less serotonin, which is why many of us get the winter doldrums or, more seriously, Seasonal Affective Disorder.
• Add some flair to your outerwear. One of the best things I've learned from starlet Dita von Teese is that the secret to knocking them dead is a little white lie: she's said before that she sometimes steps out of the house in plain clothes, topped in a stunning, well-cut jacket and with her signature makeup look. No one knows the difference! Here's what I did to my winter jacket to change things up a little:

This is a regular black and white hounds tooth wool-blend coat from Sarah Jessica Parker's "Bitten" line at (the since bankrupt store) Steve & Barry's, probably $20. I re-vamped it by adding red buttons to match with the red scarf and gloves (and sometimes lipstick) I wear with it!

Have fun with it! Change the buttons, buy a funky or mismatching scarf, wear matching shoes.

Invest in some classic red or wine-colored lipstick. Classic lip color is good for any season, but there's something about the starch white and pale colors of winter that make red and berries stand out so well. The great thing about them is that there is a shade for every skin tone! Check out MAC's line for long-lasting, rich colors.

Stay golden. speaking of colors, keep your spirits up by wearing bright and bold hues. Take a little bit of spring along with you and wear a pretty hair flower to school or work (tip: you can find some in my Etsy shop)! On December 20th, the days begin to lengthen again, a holiday that pagans celebrate as the rebirth of the sun god. Remind yourself of this happy event and help to usher the sun back in by wearing gold jewelry.

Stay healthy. Everyone knows that winter is the time to hibernate: we're more likely to eat food high in carbs and less likely to be as active as we are in the summer months (because we're stuck indoors). Don't worry about staying skinny, worry about staying healthy: treat your body like the temple that it is and get plenty of fruits, veggies, and proteins. Check out the U.S government's My Pyramid site for a personalized food pyramid to help you stay on track. Remember: keep away colds and flus by staying hydrated and getting plenty of vitamin C!

Stay in touch. An important part of keeping depression of any kind away is keeping close ties. Don't let your close friendships drift: make sure you have people you can count on to be there for you when you need to vent. Don't be afraid to talk about whatever feelings of anger, sadness, loneliness, or frustration that you are feeling. If the going gets really tough, no one should ever be ashamed or afraid to talk to a professional.

It's tough to get out and be active in the winter months too! Before you waste your money on an over-priced gym membership, consider the everyday things you can do: bundle up and take Fido for a walk, build a snowman or a snow fort, take a trip to the mall (it's a lot more walking than you'd normally do, and you get bonus points for window shopping only). If you do decide to join a gym or a health club, find one that gets you involved with group activities and classes. Keeping social will also help retain happiness during the winter.

Cuddle up. Staying in doesn't have to be such a bore. Wear your favorite sweater, make some hot cocoa (maybe add some Bailey's in there for good measure), bundle up in some festive blankets (or a Snuggie...I won't judge you), and cuddle by a fire with your love, your family, your friends, or a good book.

Pamper yourself. Be good to yourself this winter! My favorite indulgence in the colder months is a good bubble bath. Pick a fruity, tropical scent, close your eyes, and imagine you're on a beach somewhere. Afterward, lather up with a lotion in the same flavor: it's important to lock moisture into your skin, the cold will do a doozy on it!

Cheers, all! Here's to happy and healthy winter for everyone...bring it on!